Ask Mr. Mowog

Remember, he's not a licensed mechanic.

These are excerpts from the maintenance archives of that great spanner brandisher from Crowleys Ditch, Mr. Martin Mowog, esq. Complaints submitted by LBC owners and Mr. Mowog's replies:

Problem: "Front offside tyre almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced front offside tyre."

Problem: "Test drive satisfactory, except heater output is very cool."
Solution: "Heater not installed on this vehicle."

Problem #1: "Rear nearside axle seeping oil."
Solution #1: "Rear nearside axle seepage normal."
Problem #2: "Rear offside axle lacks normal seepage."

Problem: "The emergency brake doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose under the bonnet."
Solution: "Something tightened under the bonnet."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on rear nearside wheel."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "Wheel bearing noise unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Wheel bearing noise adjusted to more believable level."

Problem: "Engine drips oil on garage floor."
Response: "Try parking on street."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windscreen."
Solution: "Live bugs have been ordered."

Problem: "MGA front end vibrates on hard cornering at speeds in excess of 120 mph."
Solution: "Have been unable to reproduce problem."

Problem: "Unable to erect MGA hood."
Response: "We know, we know."

Problem: "Yanking on hand brake lever causes rear wheels to lock up."
Solution: "We were able to reproduce this problem. Hand brake cable now disconnected."

Problem: "Engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found right under bonnet after brief search."

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David F. Darby -- New Albion End -- White River Valley -- Missouri -- USA